What's family?

What makes a family?

In the past, it's always been biological and marriage that determines family, but I think Australian society is moving beyond that - or at least I think/hope it might be.

When I was growing up, boyfriends didn't get a place in family photos. It wasn't until you were legally married that a partner was accepted in the group shots so often taken. And maybe that was my conservative Catholic upbringing, where everyone usually ended up married.

Now there's a much wider acceptance of all types of relationships, in society as a whole, and in my extended family. And I love it. I love the broad acceptance of everyone. I love the happiness and inclusiveness. I love that family is who we open our arms, and hearts, to.

The "Yes" vote changed a lot of minds across Australia, I think. It seems to have had a powerful effect on many people, with quite a bit of genuine happiness around (or maybe I'm just living in a bubble!).

I don't mean that everything is roses. Society is still a difficult place with shadows and nastiness, hatred and horror. I just think there's also a glimmer of happiness working its way across as well. Change is happening.

I'm having a period of good health, and I've been catching up with family. A 90th birthday celebration and a family wedding have been occasions to catch up with the ever growing extended family. I've met partners and children who I haven't met before yet who have been part of the family for years. And that's been awesome.

I've also noticed how many changes our family have made with regard to acceptance. Where once our family were all similar in race, creed, religion, persuasion, etc. there's been a diversification. Our family have accepted others and I love it.

When I was growing up, racist/sexist/etc. comments were a normal, unthoughtabout part of most conversations. My sisters called me a name that sat very uncomfortably on my teenage shoulders. The name indicated that I too used these comments, and yet I wasn't truly aware of that. I had different views inside my head to what was coming from my mouth. I started to pay attention to the thoughtless things I was saying. I began to think more about what came from my mouth. I modified my words. Thought of the implications of those words, and the way that words create the acceptances of society.

It wasn't easy to change my words. It wasn't easy to recognise that I was being racist, sexist, and discriminatory in my thoughtlessness. It was a tough awakening.

I'm not good at it yet. My feet still inhabit my mouth at many opportunities. But I'm trying to change. Trying to be aware. And I hope this is a similar thing that is happening in the wider community.

May family always be those you love, no matter what holds you together.

Male role models

Recently, it was Fathers Day in Australia, which is a tough day for my Dad because 14 years ago, my Mum died right after Father's Day so it has a bad association for him. We keep it low key but this week in September is tough.

And it's been tougher because a man I've called a pseudo-parent since I met him, unexpectedly passed away leaving behind his gorgeous wife who he cared for. My heart breaks for her, their family, and for the loss of him in all our lives.

I've been truly blessed to know some wonderful male figures in my life, many who've played father-like roles and/or have been great friends. I know it's an odd thing for a female to say, but I'm an odd female, plus my career was working predominantly with men so I guess it's not unusual.

Growing up, I was surrounded by women being the eldest of four girls but I was always a tomboy and hung out with Dad because we liked similar things. I loved sport, fishing, the outdoors. Pre-5th class, I was friends with most of the boys in my class, and then they left the school and from then, I went to all girls school and never really fitted in. So my best childhood memories are playing sport with the boys. Most of my friends' dads were referred to as Uncle, and at most gatherings, I'd be playing sport with the men. It sounds dreadful, and I can't think of a way to write it where it doesn't sound wrong so I'll just spell it out. Nothing was creepy, or sexual, or predatory. Looking back, I think it's odd, but at the time I was never uncomfortable. Being with blokes was where I fitted in most.

Throughout high school, I struggled. Looking back, there's a real scarcity of males in those years. But in the last years of high school I joined a mixed youth group, and again, my best times were when I was with the guys. One day I remember coming home from a day at the beach and when Mum asked questions (like why didn't someone put sunscreen on my back), it dawned on me that I'd been on a trip with the guys. There hadn't been any other girls. I hadn't noticed.

I was never attractive, suffering from extreme cystic acne and rosacea ensured that, and so I didn't flirt, didn't try to play games, I was just me. I think this is why I had so many male friends. (Thanks to a girlfriend for pointing that out to me, after it had baffled me for years).

I worked with men all my adult life, comfortably. A couple of guys flirted with me when drunk at Christmas parties, but aside from that, I never felt like a different gender. I was just a mate.

And I had a range of age groups among my mates, not just guys my age. I had male colleagues, who'd mentor me, who had retired or were close to retiring. I had bosses who were like working with Dad (I also had bosses I struggled to work with, so it wasn't all smooth sailing!). I chat to people, and I used to be able to drink alcohol, so I'd be privy to some quite personal conversations with men, sometimes without them realising that I was female. 

The friend we lost over the weekend I first met when he was the local butcher and I used to get dog bones and dinner. We chatted, he was always polite and sweet. Then he was gone. Retired they told me. Some months later, I met my now husband, and his neighbours were away when we began seeing each other. When they returned, I worried about meeting them because they were his pseudo-parents and very good friends. When I got in there for the first meeting (a Friday beers night), it was my mate the butcher and he remembered me! He and his wife were the nicest people you could ever meet. They welcomed me like a daughter. They treated Pete like their son. We regularly had Friday meals together, sometimes Sunday morning teas. Tom knew everyone, knew all the connections in the small town, and I loved hearing his tales. We'd shoot pool, drink beers, move to (CS)Cowboys (Baileys and Butterscotch schnapps), laugh, talk sport, eat, laugh, talk. 

From Day 1, I was part of his family and I was incredibly blessed to know him. He supported us, always. He supported me. He had the patience of a saint and encouraged me to learn golf, to which I have no aptitude, but he cajoled me around those damn holes many a time, even when my 10 000 hits of the ball caused me no end of frustration and anger. He made me laugh. He calmly gave tips. He'd cheat so I didn't lose my mind. He'd side with me. He'd side with Pete. He'd make us both laugh. When his wife was ill, his unceasing love and care for her was incredible to witness. When his daughter was ill and then died, his grief was raw, he shared his emotions and his stories and his love. He allowed people to be. He accepted you as you were, allowed you to live your life, and supported you as an individual. He was a man I've been honoured to know.

And thinking about him made me realise how many of these sort of men have been a part of my life. Strong male role models and friends have always featured. I could name almost a dozen without any thought, and without counting family.

My Dad is a fabulous bloke, and I've been blessed to have him as my Dad, but I've also had a lot of other 'dads' who have touched my life and I've been very lucky to have known them all.

(Just so you know, I have had some amazing women in my life too, often the wives of these men, but my mind was on 'fathers' since it's September).

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a bit of a sad day for me. My Mum died in 2003 and Mother's Day is empty without her.

My Mum and I were really close - when I lived away from her! We loved each other, we talked a lot, but we also knew how to push each other's buttons.

This photo was taken in about 1997. It's my Mum riding my horse, Kori, with me not doing a good job of standing!

Kori was really quiet and just as well because hoisting my Mum on had us both in fits of giggles. But she got on and I led them around for a while and Mum really enjoyed it.

I have lots of fun memories of Mum. She always had a go at the crazy things I encouraged her to do with me. She had a great sense of humour. And she loved us unconditionally - even when I was in trouble and she was going crazy at me, or giving me the silent treatment, I still knew she loved me. I'm not sure how she managed that because it's an incredible feat!

So to all the Mum's - Happy Mother's Day.

And to Mum - I'm thinking of you, always.

Footy and Family

Eels vs Tigers, 21 April 2014

When I lived in Sydney, I was a mad Parramatta Eels fan. I don't remember when we started attending games but I had a friend whose Dad used to take us both. We'd hang around the dressing rooms and collect autographs and watch the game, screaming and cheering madly. I made a flag in blue and yellow fabric squares (4 of them) and stuck it on some dowel. When I was working, I bought a jersey. Oh, they were fabulous days. When we were over 18, we were allowed to catch the supporter's bus (or public transport) to other grounds. We made a pact to get to every ground and we did - this was before the expansion and there was only 1 home ground per team.

My husband's a league fan too, so after I met him, we started going to the Grand Final each year. It was a 6 hour drive from Condo for the footy, but we'd make a weekend of it and stay with my Dad. Didn't matter what teams were playing, we went - and always cheered for opposite teams!

The Game, 21st April 2014

I can't tell you the last time I went to a club game, but it would have to be about 1990, before I left Sydney.

Just recently, my nephew, who is 6 and lives in Sydney, had a visit to his school from the Wests Tigers players. I don't know what they said or did, but he became a die-hard fan. His parents aren't into sport at all. When my sister mentioned this strange thing, I said, "I'll take him to a game."

Would you believe, my Eels were playing his Tigers in only a few weeks - Easter Monday. Then the Eels (it was their home game) had cheap tickets - $20 for a family, 2 adults and 4 kids. I bought them. It was the cost of the usual 1 adult ticket.

Eels mascot in female form

And we went!

My nephew was totally overwhelmed and so in awe for such a time... but then he got into it. He was studying the game intensely on the big screen and live. He asked questions (I'd been giving him a bit of a rundown on what was happening). He jumped and cheered.

And then his team beat mine :(

It was an incredible day. A usual home game has about 15 000 people. This game - 50 668 people! A grand final has about 80 000 people. So it was a huge crowd. No wonder the poor kid was overwhelmed!

Makes me think about those cheap tickets. Is rugby league overpriced and so stopping fans attending the game? It sure looks that way.

Will I take my nephew again? I'd love to! So long as the Eels win next time :)

Are you a footy fan?