Brain overload

Just need to sort my thoughts out today. I'm all on brain overload, circuits frying, and no way of sorting it without a voice.

I've got 5 stories partially written and I'm messing around with bits of each and not focusing on any - and my head's in all of them, screaming at me to write.

I've been reading the wonk-o-mance posts and they're doing my head in. Why can't I think that deeply? Why do I fluff around the edges and never seem to nail the nitty gritty? I have a superficial understanding of things and I want to go deeper. These women do... and it's blowing my mind.

Then I read Kate Belle's The Yearning. It's got so many layers and so many thoughts, and digs so deep, and writes it all so beautifully. And I pine to be able to do something like that. And I can't :(

And my writing keeps getting reviews like - oh I wanted to see the other side of the story. Why? In your life you only hear one side of the story. First person is a technique to make you question things. So why can't people get that? Why do they want to be spoon fed both sides of everything when you don't ever get that in reality. Gees... take a walk on the wild first person side!

God, I'm a mess. I can't think straight. I'm frustrated. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I want to write. Usually I only get like this after conferences... and that's still to come.

I'm lost.

And what's worse - do I take the 4 month option and write? Or do I work? What will pay off for me? Does my writing suck so badly I'll tank with 4 months off work to write?

There are no answers. Just me walking round and round in circles.

And why do I write first person?

Because there are no answers.

And that's the story of my life.